I AM WHO I AM

42 has been a ride, it has been one of the most iconic ages in my adult life. I know it will be one that I will reflect back on for years to come. It was very eye opening, painful, fun and sad all at the same time but I would never change the things that happened for anything. It made me grow and come to terms with I AM WHO I AM. It took me a long time to be ok with WHO I AM. I’m too nice…it had become something that I hated about myself. Because I always allowed people to take advantage of me. But I learned this year, how to say no and mean it, how to not care what others had to say or if they were gonna be mad. Because my time is precious and I have the right to protect it. I learned it’s not someone else’s responsibility to care about me, it’s my responsibility to care about me. It is my responsibility to protect my peace and no one else’s. My husband told me my super power is to be nurturing and that’s never gonna change. But what has changed is how much I give to people. Over this year I have realized that no matter how much I love a person, help them and care for them it doesn’t make them obligated to be the same way with me. This revelation changed the way I handle others because now I don’t over extend myself for someone when I know I don’t feel like it.

2020 has been sad for me because it challenged my trust in people. I cared so deeply for people that I let it blind me to who they truly were. No matter how many times they hurt me or did me wrong, I would accept their tired excuses “But you love me anyway” and allow them to do it to me all over again. We have moved on, yet the grapevine is still lit up with me and my family’s name. All the love and help I’ve given went out the window and now I am an enemy which whom they spread tea about to whomever is willing to listen. I AM WHO I AM, I’m hurt but I don’t feel any anger or malice towards anyone. I simply did what they asked and “stayed in my lane”. They became a NON FACTOR in my life, so when the grapevine brought me the tea, I chose not to address them because it wasn’t necessary. I did what I was supposed to do and addressed the one that mattered.

One of the best things about 42 is I learned how to trust God more. This Covid virus has been devastating for everyone. But God has blessed me and more ways than one. In the midst of it all, when all seemed lost he has taken care of me and my loved ones everyday. He has forced me to learn how to take care of me. I started putting myself first and it feels good. I stopped caring about everyone else’s problems and started caring for my own. I started dealing with my anxiety. I spent three years pretending it didn’t exist until Covid forced it to the forefront and I no longer could hide from it. I started working on my business more. Sunshyne Regal has taken off and has becoming a great second source of income. I realized the more I focus on me, the less time I have to focus on others and the more productive I am. There is no turning back. I refuse to cheat myself any longer, it might have taken me some time but I’m here and I love it. I also learned how to express myself, to stop holding in my feelings, that they matter and I am not overreacting. I might have said this before but I was so used to people telling me”its not that deep or serious” when I express my feelings that I learned to stop dealing with them. But I realized, I am a passionate person and sometimes I have to be loud to get my point across and that’s ok.

I began 42 with a vacation to Jamaica and even though Covid cancelled my vacation plans I am ready to enter into 43 with new and fresh ideas about how I am want the rest of my life. I refuse to settle. I am a good person, a good friend, a good wife, a good sister, a good daughter, a good cousin. I didn’t say great because I accept that I am no perfect, nor do I want to be. I’m loving me and if it’s gets complicated. I AM WHO I AM!!!